i am finding i need to process my thoughts/experience.
so i am placing them here, at this point unsure if i will publish. in Feb. i experienced a very personal life changing interaction. i will not go into the details of what occurred, for it truly is now "water under the bridge" however i know i am still processing it all. i had been on a creative roll!!! i had been on a creative high. this event broke me open, & i emotionally spilled out all over. momentarily i saw myself no longer being able to live/exist where i had put my roots down. i was swallowed by grief & sadness & confusion. i had been in the midst of creating one of (to me) most interesting & exciting portal paintings to place in my solo art show. i was so very broken, i stopped my painting! i stopped creating. i totally dismantled my homespace!!! i began to give/donate things away, i sold furniture. &i packed up my belongings to move away. OR perhaps it was to run away! run away from the pain & confusion. i was in a place of deep grief, & at that point could see no other way to go. in the midst of all of this, i was in daily contact with my family & i also asked a young friend to assist me, my family does not live nearby. she became a daughter of my heart! i am deeply gratefull for her presence in my life! i learned several things about myself while going thru this experience. i am a giver, i typically step in to fix/repair the breaks in my relationships (even when i did not create them.) i have a deep strength & courage to do what i need to do. i am forgiving & accepting (often times giving an individual the "benefit of the doubt" numerous times.) i also have a very strong/deep boundary line, & once it has been crossed ::::> i go into self protect mode big time!!! so. 3 months later, where am i?? me: i am in a clearer, more guarded & protected place. more aware, more present in each moment. i am loving myself. i am taking care of myself. i am putting myself first. no t in a selfish way, in a self~loving nurturing way! i have full clear knowing, folks have to want to help/change themselves. we make our own happy! we each have enough love in our own hearts. everyone has a hurt little child who requires love,protection, & acknowledgement from our own adult selves!!!! as an elder i have shifted/am shifting my focus; to what i choose to live & create. trusting my intuition even more so. i am still living in my beloved homespace!! my homespace: it has been deep cleaned & re~arranged, the energy has been shifted & cleared some rooms have a fresh coat of paint, others soon will. my home is minus numerous things, it has also been smudged & blessed!! it has a new fresh feel to it! i am gratefull to have it's roof over my head, & the loving protective walls around me!!!! my creativity: portal painting #6 is still sitting on the easel waiting my return & i wonder at the place that portal took me; it was a VERY powerful/empowering journey for sure!!!! so much of my creativity went into re~newing my sacred homespace. recovering tucked away items to utilize in unique ways, was a bit of an adventure that i can say i enjoyed!! all of this assisted/is assisting in nurturing my wounded self, back to wholeness. growth & change are often painfull, yet one does no t need to stay in the pain, or grief, or sadness. i chose to move thru it all. i am still in "self protect" mode big time, & that is perfectly good! i am listening & hearing, watching & observing my own life flow around me, as well as my relationship with family, friends, folks in general, & also my creativity, & how i express it, as well as nature, mother earth, life as it is. seeing with even more clarity!!! i recognize i choose my reactions. i remember which way i am going it is my own path after all! perhaps i required being emptied to see how very full i already was on my own. i honor myself for coming thru this experience & knowing how to properly love & nurture my own self. yup it is what it is. & so it is i journey forward!!! blessings & love, earthdeva/molly
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