May 08th, 2018

i am finding i need to process my thoughts/experience.
so i am placing them here, at this point unsure if i will publish.
in Feb. i experienced a very personal life changing interaction.
i will not go into the details of what occurred, for it truly is now
"water under the bridge" however i know i am still processing it all.
i had been on a creative roll!!! i had been on a creative high.
 this event broke me open, & i emotionally spilled out all over.
momentarily i saw myself no longer being able to
live/exist where i had put my roots down.
i was swallowed by grief & sadness & confusion.
i had been in the midst of creating one of (to me) most interesting & exciting
portal paintings to place in my solo art show.
i was so very broken, i stopped my painting! i stopped creating.
i totally dismantled my homespace!!!
i began to give/donate things away,
i sold furniture.
&i packed up my belongings to move away.
OR perhaps it was to run away!
run away from the pain & confusion.
i was in a place of deep grief, & at that point could see no other way to go. 
in the midst of all of this, i was in daily contact with my family
& i also asked a young friend to assist me,
my family does not live nearby.
she became a daughter of my heart!
i am deeply  gratefull for her presence in my life!
i learned several things about myself while going thru this experience.
i am a giver,
i typically step in to fix/repair the breaks in my relationships
(even when i did not create them.)
i have a deep strength & courage to do what i need to do. 
i am forgiving & accepting (often times giving an
individual the "benefit of the doubt" numerous times.)
i also have a  very strong/deep boundary line,
& once it has been crossed ::::>
i go into self protect mode big time!!!
so. 3 months later,
where am i??
me:
i am in a clearer, more guarded & protected place.
more aware, more present in each moment.
i am loving myself. i am taking care of myself.
i am putting myself first. 
no t in a selfish way, in a self~loving nurturing way!
i have full clear knowing, folks have to want to help/change themselves.
we make our own happy!
we each have enough love in our own hearts.
everyone has a hurt little child who requires love,protection,
& acknowledgement from our own adult selves!!!!
as an elder i have shifted/am shifting my focus;
to what i choose to live & create.
trusting my intuition even more so.
i am still living in my beloved homespace!!

my homespace:
 it has been deep cleaned & re~arranged,
the energy has been shifted & cleared
some rooms have a fresh coat of paint, others soon will.
my home is minus numerous things,
it has also been smudged & blessed!!
it has a new fresh feel to it!
i am gratefull to have it's roof over my head,
& the loving protective walls around me!!!!

my creativity:
 portal painting #6 is still sitting on the easel waiting my return
& i wonder at the place that portal took me; 
it was a VERY powerful/empowering journey for sure!!!!
so much of my creativity went into re~newing my sacred homespace.
recovering tucked away items to utilize in unique ways,
was a bit of an adventure that i can say i enjoyed!!
 all of this assisted/is assisting in nurturing my wounded self, back to wholeness.
growth & change are often painfull, yet one does no t need to stay in
the pain, or grief, or sadness. i chose to move thru it all.

i am still in "self protect" mode big time, & that is perfectly good!
i am listening & hearing, watching & observing
 my own life flow around me, as well as
my relationship with family, friends, folks in general,
& also my creativity, & how i express it,
as well as nature, mother earth, life as it is.
seeing with  even more clarity!!!
i recognize i choose my reactions.
i remember which way i am going
it is  my own path after all!
perhaps i required being emptied to see how very full i already was on my own.
i honor myself for coming thru this experience & knowing how
to properly love & nurture my own self.
yup it is what it is.
& so it is i journey forward!!!

blessings & love,
earthdeva/molly